Killing Me Softly
by Flamegaruru
Summary: KiteBlackRose. A hypothetical interp. of their feelings. Rated for slight themes and darkness.
1. Chapter 1

Killing Me Softly

An odd title to say the least. I was listening to oldies (yeah, I'm an oldies geek ) and I heard a song I never heard before: "Killing Me Softly" It's about a woman in love with a man who's enrapturing her by his words and "killing her softly with his song". I thought this would be an apt title for this story, most particularly with BlackRose. This writing style is somewhat new for me, and I have to thank Matthew Stover for reawakening the will within me. I apologize, but I'm making BlackRose a bit out of character, but since we don't get a too in depth character analysis from the game, I feel that I have a little, er, space for my interpretation. I hope people will like it. Even a little. Please don't flame me for what ensues with BlackRose. Constructive criticism is very helpful. I am rather rusty. ''

Disclaimer: I own nothing of the dotHack series or their characters. :-)

Synopsis: First part of a three chapter story dealing with BlackRose, Kite and their feelings for each other. Rated for slight language, slight innuendoes and mild sadistic undertones. I started writing this towards the end of Part 2, so let's just pretend this happens before the whole BR/Kite mush at the beginning of Part 3, okay? ;-)

Dedication: BlackRose/Kite fans and those who have fallen in love and experienced pain.

There are weird things in life. Blunt but true. Like paradoxes. Ooh…paradoxes. Come to think of it, irony too. In a sense, light and dark. Just a little bit of light can penetrate darkness whereas an abundance of darkness can snuff out light. How odd is it that such two different things can be so parallel? Light and dark, black and white, and the recent revelation, death and love. Love is death. Oh, God, love is death, the worst kind of pain and torment there ever was or will be.

Of course it makes no sense. What does? Love means different things to different people. Love for the inscrutable BlackRose is indeed death. The demise of everything BlackRose—the fiery Heavy Blade, the façade of bravery, the hopeless love-lorn girl. Ugh. Death. Death death death death. Kite Kite Kite Kite. Just look at what Kite has done. He has single-handedly killed BlackRose and everything she was and once stood for. The BlackRose now is nothing but a transparent shell of what once was. Everything is nothing. Yet, death is a funny thing. Death is all past tense, whereas love isn't constricted to what has been, but also what is and what will be. Does this mean that BlackRose isn't truly gone? Different, yes, vastly different from before, but perhaps BlackRose still lives. Somewhere, deep down, BlackRose is fuming at this affliction, this, this, intrusion in her mission.

It's all for Kazu. BlackRose _must_ save Kazu. BlackRose _must_ slay that demon which incapacitated Kazu. It is not a question of _if_ or _how_ but when. When will BlackRose exact her revenge? Unleash her fury? She has a plethora of fury welling in the depths of her soul, positively brimming to the core. BlackRose is so close to her goal, yet something is stopping her. It's death. It's love. It's Kite.

What sort of spell does Kite hold over BlackRose? Could it be those eyes? Those horrible eyes. Possibly. God knows that looking into the eyes of Kite could be anyone's undoing. It's like staring into the eyes of…of…Eeyore, like he just lost his tail into the bowels of Dante's Hells and no one will help him, again. No, worse. Like, like a _baby_ Eeyore that's screaming "Hug me." Ugh. The over-whelming heartsy, cutesy feelings are just so much it brings vomit. No, that can only bring about irrational thought and drunken stupidity. Not the death of love. The eyes can't possibly turn the valiant BlackRose into a simpering fool, leaping forward to dice a Harpy in such a ghastly manner, it jars Kite out of his charm status, or to greedily hound his every move, or to mercilessly beat upon all female opponents for his affections or to put her revenge for Kazu on hold. All for Kite. Everything for Kite.

Oh, Kite, of course. BlackRose will _most definitely_ Rai Don that surreptitious bastard that feebly clawed at you. Kite, how could you possibly doubt that BlackRose would deplete her supply of Antidotes and her SP just to Ole Repth you to the stunning perfection that you are? Would BlackRose fluff those little earflaps for you? Of course BlackRose would put them back into their dainty position. Give you all the best equipment she spent the past twenty hours straight scavenging for just to hear a simple "Thanks"? Of course.

Perhaps…no no no. It couldn't possibly be? Kite is incredibly strong, what with the bracelet at his beck and call. Could the reason be that BlackRose was weak? That she needs Kite? That BlackRose couldn't possibly rescue Kazu, her Kazu, without the help of the near-omniscient Kite? The very thought is sickening. In the beginning, BlackRose was a shadow of what she is now. No, BlackRose is nowhere near weak. Never. Impossible. BlackRose can decimate anything in her path. Anyone or anything.

It is infuriating. Why must BlackRose cower in the shadow of what she feels? There was a time when BlackRose feared nothing, when BlackRose did as she pleased, but now, now the love has killed BlackRose. Yes, slowly, bit by bit, BlackRose has been consumed by the furnace of her heart. BlackRose wants to run, run far, far away, away from The World, from Kite, from the death, from herself. That is what a child would do. When they face a situation that they can't possibly fathom, when the pleasant dream is over and the terrifying reality beckons instead, they run away. Like a child. BlackRose is like a child. BlackRose is scared. BlackRose cannot face Kite. BlackRose cannot face Kazu. BlackRose cannot face the demon that started it all. BlackRose cannot face herself.

The demon was inside BlackRose all along. Yes, the demon has been feasting on BlackRose all along. It is eating at everything BlackRose, until it starts upon BlackRose herself. There are bags under eyes, a sort of fatigue eating away at the body, silent misery lurking behind the eyes. Indeed, the demon is eating BlackRose piece by piece. That's not the worst part. The demon is BlackRose. BlackRose is killing herself. BlackRose is killing herself by letting these feelings and thoughts cloud her mind, her purpose, her mission, her _destiny_. BlackRose must bring back Kazu, even if it kills her. Only then can BlackRose obliterate the demon that is herself, destroy the weakness that has now turned her into the blubbering mass that is both pathetic and piteous. How painful. How tragic. How like love. BlackRose's love and tolerance of love is killing her. This ethereal substance that is deliriously close to finally eradicating her very being must be stopped.

BlackRose must kill this love. It is impairing every aspect of her being. But how? The demon is so strong now…BlackRose cannot kill Kite. No. As painful as it is to accept, BlackRose is nowhere near able to even displace a single hair beneath that orange flop of a hat. No, BlackRose keeps forgetting the demon is BlackRose herself. These thoughts and feelings are even induced by her own self. What must BlackRose do in order to wipe these feelings from existence? BlackRose must give in to the other feelings, the darker feelings, the ones kept hidden since Kite gated in Mac Anu. Both newbies. How easy it was then to mask her obsequious tendencies. BlackRose must allow those feelings to be put away now.

It was easier than thought. The love was fresh, just ripe for slaughter. BlackRose marveled how easy it was to twist love into a mockery of all that it was before. Ha. How puny it was, what little fight there was in it. BlackRose could still feel it lurking around in the bowels of her heart, most likely near the ventricles. It is like a poison, spewing all of itself into every stream of blood in the entire body. This was the drawback. BlackRose had taken the easy way. BlackRose had simply manipulated the love inside of her. Yes, that was why it was so easy, and that is why it is still a threat. Not a very likely threat, but one nonetheless. It skulked everywhere, just waiting for the opportune moment to lunge forward and overtake her again. But BlackRose would not let love consume her again. No, BlackRose had a mission. She must wreak revenge, must hate. BlackRose needed something to fuel the fires of her hatred, her lust for the death that nearly consumed her. BlackRose finally rid herself of love, but in the process unleashed an unhealthy desire for all that was not BlackRose to begin with.

BlackRose was ready to kill. BlackRose was like some lunatic thirsting for the thrill of darkness. BlackRose needed to obliterate. BlackRose needed to destroy every fiber of every being. BlackRose had to decimate all.

This is BlackRose. A champion of gallantry. One who excels in physical fulfillment. Who dreams of Wimbledon, who yearns for happiness. She is confused by something she has never felt before. In her confusion, BlackRose unleashes a door she never knew lurked within her, within every being. BlackRose has now become the very thing she has always despised and sworn to destroy and protect from: the very demon that hurt Kazu. The very thing that endangered everything she once cherished. And none shall feel its fury more so than the one that truly cares: Kite.

­­­­­­­­/Mena/


	2. Chapter 2

Killing Me Softly

Inspiration for this installment goes to Matthew Stover, Susan Kay, and Jessica L. Farley. Also, I am changing narratives for each of the chapters. I'm doing this for a certain purpose, you know. But I don't want to give away all my secrets. :-)

Disclaimer: I do not own dotHack or any of their characters.

Synopsis: Second part of a three part series dealing with BlackRose, Kite and their feelings for each other. Rated for slight language, mild themes and slightly sadistic undertones. I shall forever hate that blasted leaf. Forever. 

Dedication: BlackRose/Kite fans, and anyone who has fallen in love and felt pain.

I would like to use a quote from Susan Kay's Phantom (read it!) What Christine is talking about is a tale from the Rubaiyat about the love between a Nightingale and a Rose. I find it fitting for Kite's character in this segment.

"_Chained by fate and shackled by pride, he starved in silent pain;_

_and because I lacked the courage of a rose, I could not set him free."—Christine Daaé_

What is love? Attachment; devotion; admiration. Pity; friendship; desire. A sense of fulfillment. All of them. Sometimes our feelings are too deep that we don't understand them, or, worse, are scared of them until it is too late.

Piros once asked me what I thought love was. Mistral also told me that it was important to fall in love. I know that love is important. Some of the greatest things happen because of love, but so do some of the worst.

BlackRose, I want to love you. Ever since you jumped in front of me at Mac Anu, I wanted to love you. I want to give you as much of myself as I can and then some. I want to trail my fingers along the nape of your neck and bury myself in your hair as I listen to your voice. I want to wrap my arms around you and feel security, protection, belonging, love…And yet…

I just can't do it.

I have the right to love and feel loved, right? As much as I would like these questions to float around in my head, I already know the answer like the back of my hand.

I am afraid.

I am so very afraid.

I am scared that if I give you my heart, you'll take that Heavy Blade I kipped from our last excursion and dice my heart into little pieces, like the remnants of a shattered mirror. I am afraid that if I take your innocence, it will turn into guilt and consume me and overwhelm me and take away all those precious feelings. I fear that if I show you laughter and happiness you will repay me with tears and sadness. I am afraid that if I let you inside, you will break me and not hang around to pick up the pieces.

So I do it. I close the door to love. I bolt the door to you.

I am afraid of rejection, yes. I am afraid of heartbreak, yes. Now I find myself watching you when I don't mean to. I'm thinking about you when I don't want to. In some ways you make me feel weak, like I am being caught up in the whirlwind of Aura and the bracelet, yet at the same time, you make me feel stronger, like I can destroy all foes and wake everyone up from their comas. I am afraid to lose you. The danger that surrounds us is like an impenetrable fog that completely obscures you from my sight—and heart. I think the worst part is knowing that you feel the same, BlackRose. It is hard to control the feelings of the heart and we have to do our best to guard against it, regardless of the cost. Still…Some sacrifices are harder than others.

I had a dream, BlackRose. A dream about us. We were in Carmina Gadelica. Those benches across from the Grunty farm. You remember? It was when Carmina was still beautiful, untouched by the virus. I admit it was kind of funny at first. Mistral was galloping around, pretending she was an Iron Grunty, Balmung was clucking like a chicken and was trying to fury peck at Gardenia who was wielding an over-sized oar, and Elk was feeding Mia some White Cherries and Helba was actually wearing some clothes. It still gives me the willies. I'm sure you'd enjoy hearing about it if not just to laugh at Balmung.

BlackRose, you were leaning on the ledge when I spotted you. The bracelet was like a magnet and it hurled me into a near collision with your Heavy Blade. You stared at me in surprise and then you started to laugh uncontrollably. I had never seen you like this before. I couldn't tell if you were ecstatic or insane, which is a horrible comparison, but that's what I was thinking. Just when I was going to edge away from you, you reached out to me and pat my head. I smiled at first but then I got to thinking: what if…what if you just thought of my like you thought of your brother? That's when I started to cry. I know that's a foolish thing to do but I couldn't help it. I didn't want you to think of me like that. So I told you I loved you. At first you just stared at me like you were seeing Kazu attacked again. I told you that I didn't want you to think of me like I was Kazu. You asked me how I knew, and I said that I remembered that when Lios tricked us and told us to blame the hackers for everything wrong in the World, you said you'd do anything if it'd bring Kazu back. You smiled then, like you were pleased that I even listened to you in the first place. A strange thing happened then. Your lips started moving, but I couldn't hear anything. I started whacking my earflaps and then I gave up and chucked my hat off but by then you were already done talking. You turned away and I reached for your hand and you faced me again and told me I was clamming up again. I chuckled and then you smileyed me and I poked fun at you for doing that. Then you took your blade and started waving it around your head and then you pouted and marched away like you always do when you're mad. I started after you but I realized I couldn't move. You were moving so fast and were getting so distant. I could almost feel you slipping through my fingers.

All of a sudden I was in a green field and was floating in the air. In the grass I saw a boy who looked eerily like Elk and a girl who I originally thought was you. I called to you but then the boy said: _Mimiru…is that really you? Are you really here? Am I really here? There's no terminal in front of me…I feel…pain…No…Leave me alone…_ Admittedly, I was confused. It made no sense whatsoever. Then the nightmare began. The boy turned to me and I felt this incredible darkness and the bracelet lurched again. When I opened my eyes, I was in a bubble that looked like a giant barbell. I was hovering in front of Mimiru. She called at the boy and poised her sword, and I thought I glimpsed crystals on her face. I looked around for the boy and I saw him staggering against a pool of black waves and there were arms engulfing him with claws like daggers. All of a sudden I was flying towards Mimiru, attacking her. There was a flash of light and I heard the most horrible screams, like the entire population was screaming. I scrunched my eyes shut against all this pain and billions of voices screaming in my head and then it suddenly stopped to one—yours, BlackRose. My eyes shot open and what I saw made my heart stop. My arm was through your heart. It was like Suvi Lei was cast on me. I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. Then we were in a place I had never seen before. It was breath-taking with nature blossoming all around. I was leaning against a tree and you were lying in my arms, your head against my chest. I could hear you breathe, feel your body heave with each breath. You murmured my name and cuddled closer to me and as I was reaching toward your head…The alarm went off.

It scared me, BlackRose. It made me wonder what was happening to me, to you, to everything. Could the bracelet be affecting me in a surreal way? Could it be showing me the future? I remember what Aura said about the bracelet bending to the whim of the user. Might I really wish for destruction? A part of me says never, but in a way, I do want destruction. The destruction of those ridiculous rules that prevent the coma victims from getting the proper help. The end of pain. Then I realized that if everything would be destroyed, there would be no reason for happiness. You couldn't really be grateful for what you have because everyone has it. It is cruel, but it is the truth, at least that's what I think. If there was no death, would life still have meaning? If there was no pain, would there be no joy? If there was no hate, would there be no love?

I hear the computer bleep. It is Mistral. She says it's urgent, and it has to do with you. At first I am scared, but then I stop and realize that it is you and that no matter what happens, you are you and I am me. I don't know the answers. I want to help Orca and Kazu and all the other coma victims. I want to help Aura. I don't know how I can do it. All I can do is keep going forward. And I'll do it with you, BlackRose. Kite and BlackRose. _Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground._

This is Kite. An unlikely hero chosen by a vagrant AI. Chosen to wield a power unlike that has ever been known. Able to bring about birth or destruction at a whim. After struggling with inner turmoil, Kite realizes what he has to do and who he has to do it with. Kite does not think that anything can shatter between him and BlackRose. Now on the way to the raging BlackRose will Kite find a new beginning, or the beginning of the end?

/Mena/


End file.
